This year could was a make or break year for me.
I ended a relationship that was draining me and found love with Johno, who has been an amazing force and a constant source of love and support.
I became pregnant, which was unexpected and I wasn't too sure how to feel about, I didn't know whether I should be happy or sad, whether I could become a mother, I was terrified, anxious and I was being constantly judged, by myself and others, for being a teenage mother. Something in that I've found to be all too common in the UK.
But I knew it was the right thing to do, was to go through with the pregnancy and I soon fell in love with my little bean. Johno was constantly by my side, when I became tired, he instantly thought I was low on iron, so he ordered me a takeaway after researching that rice had iron in, except he forgot to order the rice. Meat became one of my main cravings, as I could eat packets of ham like they were packets of crisps. Everything was peachy, I was getting bigger, bean was kicking the crap out of my ribs and hips and all was swell.
That was until Johno fell ill, constant migraines, meant he was sleeping all day, he was being violently sick and could barely walk some days. The amount of stress meant I began suffering from headaches and found it hard at work. We went back and forward to doctor surgeries, walk in centres, and even A&E, and were always told the same thing, he had severe migraines. We were given migraine tablets that didn't very little. I began to lose my temper and thought it may be his eyes, so I ordered him to go to an opticians. I left work one day, after a nice 8 hour shift, around 4 months pregnant I was exhausted and received a phone call from Johno, he's going straight to hospital and couldn't tell me why as his phone cut out. Panic set in and I more or less ran off the bus and straight to the hospital.
Johno was in hospital for just under 2 weeks, they discovered he didn't have migraines, they weren't the cause of the problem, although if he had left it any long the pressure in his head causing the headache were going to kill him. A lot of possibilities were thrown around, brain tumours, haemorrhages, stress from becoming a father, etc, etc. The only thing that helped his headache was lumber punctures, which I've been told are excruciatingly painful. Johno had 7 by the time he left hospital. I was at Johno's bedside every day he was in hospital, work gave me the time off, I couldn't function without knowing he was alright, as he hates me worrying, the only way I'd find out what was going on was by asking the nurses myself, Johno liked to sugar coat things for me, which only irritated me, but I know his heart was in the right place.
Johno finally left hospital in the end of July, we spent 3 months happy. Although things were only starting to go bad, my feet began to swell in September, but I thought nothing of it, as I was working on my feet for 5 days a week. They began to get worse and I started to get worried, I went to my local GP surgery but saw a GP I haven't met ever, and was advised to keep my feet raised when I'm not busy, this did nothing. Bean had been renamed after we found out the sex, his new name was Zachary, and his movements began to slow. I tried not to worry, as I had a midwife appointment soon.
That was when my life came tumbling down. She couldn't find a heartbeat. I was sent to hospital to confirm and the sonographer did just that. I couldn't stop apologising to Johno, I had lost his son, I've never felt more numb and pointless in my life. I failed Zachary. I was told that I may have to go home and begin my labour there, as my body would want Zach out. But things got worse, the cause that killed Zachary, was pre-eclampsia. He'd survived for 4 weeks, with a failing placenta. A normal placenta is around about the size of a dinner plate, nice and big, Zach's was the size of a coaster. I never hated my body more for not saving Zachary, for not doing what its made to do, I felt useless as a woman and a mother. Can I even call myself a mother? I don't have a baby, even though I had a pregnancy? I thought of Johno's family, Zachary was the first boy in 20 years, I felt so guilty. All the what if's ran through my mind like lightning, what if I had my normal GP and she saw the signs? What if I went to the hospital earlier when his movements slowed? Was there anything I could of done? Did I miss something out? Did I eat something that I shouldn't of?
I was told the pre-eclampsia almost killed myself also, my organs began to fail, I had extremely high blood pressure and if I had left it another week or so, my liver and pancreas would of failed and I would be dead, this I didn't much care about, losing Zachary eclipsed whatever anyone had to say about me. Lying in my hospital bed, I became agitated whenever I received medication, as all I wanted to do was get Zachary back, or join him.
Zachary Kevin Golightly was born 02/10/2012, at 28 weeks and 6 days. He weighed 1lb 12oz. I saw him three times, the first time I smiled constantly, I was excited to see who he looked like more, he had his father's eyes, big feet and long legs, and he had my lips and chin, and my dark hair. I felt so proud, but the happiness was tainted, I'd never see him grow up, all the clothes and things are packed waiting for him, yet it'll only be me and Johno coming home. The second time I saw him, me and Johno said goodbye, we knew he began to change from the first time we had saw him, it wasn't fair for him to be disturbed constantly. We just wanted him to be put to rest, so we both kissed his head and said we loved him. Afterwards a nurse came in and asked if we wanted him to be baptised or blessed or anything. My and Johno are athiests, but my mother was Christian, and I wanted her to look after him in heaven so we agreed on a blessing, as long as it was only his parents and the pastor in the room during the service, as the thought of him being blessed while being held by someone other than myself or Johno made my blood boil. The pastor that performed Zachary's blessing was the same pastor that performed Zachary's funeral service. A hoard of friends and family came to support myself, Johno and Zachary, we sang Toy Story's 'You've got a friend in me' and other Disney classics instead of hymns, as Zachary used to dance happily along.
Its been 5 months now, to the day of Zachary's birth, and I think about him everyday. He was my little guy, my baby, my world, and I miss him more than anyone would imagine. The person that I'm too thank for keeping me smiling is my Fiancée Johno, all through my hospital stay he stuck by my side, he held my hand all through the service and has been constantly picking me up whenever I have fallen and wish to be with Zachary. We've only just made our 1 year anniversary and so much has happened within that year, the death of Johno's father to cancer, Zachary's death, Johno's almost death and mine also. I have said time and time again to the people around me that there should be more information about Pre Eclampsia, and the signs. If I had known more, I believe I would of been able to save Zachary.
But my angel is now being looked after by his Grandmother and Grandfather in the sky somewhere, looking down on his parents. He will never be forgotten and we will always love him more than anyone could ever know.
♡
